This was the first time, in over twenty years of ordained ministry, that I presided at the burial of a peer, not somebody much younger or older than I . Allen's husband, Phil, had been our senior warden when she was diagnosed. Some time later, I shared in the wedding of Phil to a wonderful, and very different, woman, Carolyn. And a few months later, we rejoiced as Phil's first grandchild was born. Parish priesthood is a ministry of presence, of rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep, and virtually always one receives more than one is able to give.
Homily
In Memory of Allen Anderson
Episcopal Church of the Holy Family
July 2, 2008
My friends, everyone here today has been blessed, directly or indirectly, by Allen Anderson. Some of you have known Allen your whole life. Some of us have known her for only a few years. Yet we all know her—and I use the present tense on purpose—to be a woman of integrity, grace and humor. She started out wise—her siblings sometimes call her “the Wise One.” And then she gained additional wisdom in the crucible of disease and pain.
Some people joke that children are like pancakes and that they make so many mistakes with the first one that it should be tossed away. But nobody would say that about Allen. She was the eldest of four: it was Allen and Barry and “the girls,” Ann and Katie. She was born in Yokohama, Japan, where her father was an Army officer. Twice the family spent time in France, where Barry remembers biking with Allen and bunches of friends through the countryside. But in Allen’s high school years the family was settled in Virginia. Allen Bartley met Phil Anderson once during high school, but they really caught each other’s eye when she was a student at Madison College and he was at VMI. Allen had gone to visit Barry, also a VMI cadet, and there was Phil. Barry didn’t see him as dating material for his sister: Phil was one of the most feared 2nd classmen in the Corps of Cadets.
Here’s Barry’s summary of the rest of the story:
They got married after Allen graduated, went to Fort Bragg, had a baby girl named Sarah, went lots of neat places and ended up in Big Canoe. But that’s not all. Along the way Allen proved to herself and others that she was a woman, a wife, an Army wife, a General’s wife, and there is a difference, a loving mother and mother in law, an outstanding teacher, got her Masters Degree in Education with Honors, was a giver of both herself and her time, a gentle lady, an entertainer par excellence, a cook with a gourmet chef’s eye and for Ann, Kate, and me, as she and I used to kid each other when I would end emails as her Bigger, Taller, Brother, she was our “older and wiser” sister.
We all know that Allen was legendary for making wherever she lived a home where she would welcome guests with her gracious hospitality. Being an Army wife means lots of moves. Dean Kershaw mentioned that Allen could manage in any place they were sent, but preferred plenty of closet space. Ann and Kate were saying that Allen continued to take an interest in her home, and would direct them to move the rugs an inch or two in one direction or another. Everything has its well-planned place, including a few pictures that were recently framed. Allen knew exactly where they should go, and Ann and Phil will make sure that her wishes are honored. Guests in her home could see that Allen’s legendary organizing skills had been put to good use. We read today from the Gospel of John where Jesus says this:
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also.
Allen the homemaker now has a home prepared for her. Allen now is at home.
Allen had beautiful receptions and parties at her home. As chair of our parish Hospitality Ministry, you could just see the creative juices flowing, as she planned every detail. I found the following email from Allen.
Date: 10-29-2005
Subject: Thanksgiving Service Reception
Mary, your “cooking buddy” is at it again. I made fabulous old fashioned ginger snaps (a good friend’s recipe) yesterday…Jack loved them so they must be good. And I found a recipe in my file (handwritten from a friend so they must be good also) for pumpkin cookies. I would be delighted to make both from scratch…approximately 10 dozen+ in all. We would also need to purchase apple cider…maybe six gallons. Let me know what you think.
As far as decorations…I have two Thanksgiving-ish table toppers…one rectangular, the other round…and we have centerpieces and candles to coordinate. And I have fall plates and baskets on/in which to serve cookies. Hospitality Ministry would provide cups and napkins (we do have some with fall motif).
See you tomorrow. Take care, Allen
Our parish chapter of Daughters of the King, of which Allen is a member, has provided the reception to which you’re all invited after this service, in the Parish Hall. They’ve made it extra special in Allen’s honor. It was the least we could do.
That’s why it was so appropriate that we read this morning from the book of Isaiah. There the prophet envisions the culmination of all things as a “feast of rich foods and well-aged wines.” Allen is feasting! She is feasting in God’s presence, where God promises to “swallow up death forever,” and to “wipe away all tears.” The prophet concludes: “It will be said on that day, ‘Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, so that he might save us. This is the LORD for whom we have waited; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
And what can we say about a terrible auto-immune disease that takes the body’s own collagen and stiffens organs like the heart, esophagus, and lungs? It is so unfair! (But I can hear my own mother saying something that Allen would, I know, echo: Who said life is supposed to be fair?) Nobody should hurt like that. While I believe that God helps us to bear our suffering, I do not think God sends us suffering, to test us or for any other reason.
Allen did not let her disease define her life. She kept a lively email correspondence going. She stayed in touch with friends and family by phone when she didn’t have the energy or mobility to get out easily. She kept her sense of proportion and her sense of humor. Here are a few choice “Allenisms”:
Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
Wrinkles don’t hurt.
Life is short. Break the rules. forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.
Here’s what I observed over the last couple of years as Allen started to “just not feel good”: Allen and Phil, whose love for each other is legendary, found that in this difficult time their love grew deeper, deeper than they knew it could. We read today from St. Paul’s Letter to the Christians in Corinth: that amazing passage about love that we hear at so many weddings. Yet it seemed appropriate for today’s occasion also. Paul is speaking here about the kind of un-self-interested love that is to characterize the relationships between followers of Jesus. The words are beautiful and full of lofty ideals. But God gives most of us a very practical venue for learning how to take those ideals and guide our daily behavior by them. And that venue is marriage. Like Lucy, the character in the Charlie Brown cartoon, who once said, “I love humanity; it’s people I can’t stand!”, we may love the ideals and still find them hard to apply to that one individual with whom we share closets and kitchen counter space and the TV remote.
§ “Love is patient,” Paul says. Phil was patient when Allen insisted on one particular pair of shoes and he had to go back to the closet several times to get the right ones. (Allen was patient, too—I think!)
§ Love is kind.” Phil returned the kindnesses that Allen had given as a matter of course when they were both well. One of Allen’s sisters told me that Allen’s routine during the years that Phil was working was to wake up early and make coffee, press his clothes, make breakfast for Phil and a lunch to take with him, and then, when he was out the door, to do all but the last-minute preparations for that night’s dinner. Then the rest of the day was free for whatever wonderful things might transpire. And when Phil returned home at night, if Allen was on the phone—and we know how she talked on the phone!—she would wrap up the conversation in order to be fully present to him. Phil, when it was his turn, attended to Allen’s every need, including her need for order and a beautiful, welcoming home. As she said in an email to her brother: “Phil has been wonderful throughout this ordeal, patient, kind, and understanding…and has even found the inside of the dishwasher and he knows how to fold clothes out of the dryer.” That stuff wasn’t on the VMI curriculum.
§ “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” I never heard either partner of this amazing couple complaining, even though Allen’s illness dramatically changed the course of their lives.
§ “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” One thing that Allen, the one who showed so much of her love by doing acts of kindness, learned during her illness was the joy of receiving love and care.
Sometimes it’s tempting to think that maybe loving so passionately and so com-passionately is only going to set one up for pain in the end. Fearing terrible losses in the future, some people can’t bring themselves to offer such love. But in my experience,
it is the people whose love is poured out without any reservations who also find healing when their spouse or parent precedes them in death. Sarah observed to me that she had had a very meaningful Mother’s Day this year with Allen. They enjoyed and cherished the time they spent together. And Phil mentioned that last Thursday was their anniversary, and each had expressed to the other their joy in being together for 38 years.
I used to work for IBM, where there was a “need to know” policy that was supposed to stop corporate espionage. If you didn’t need to know something to do your job, you weren’t told. Many of you here work in another organization with a “need to know” policy. I’ve long contended that God seems to have a similar “need to know” policy about what happens after we die. And we all want to know something about that time, because in the human race, there is a 100% mortality rate. We all will die someday. there’s so much we wish we knew but we don’t. We do, however, know a few things:
§ We know, from St. Paul’s letter to the Romans, that nothing, nothing, nothing, not even death itself, can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Allen is deeply loved by the God who created her and who gave us to her to love and be loved. Allen in present with God in ways so profound that we can hardly imagine now.
§ We know that in death, we enter into the presence of God in a way different from the way we experience God now, and that Jesus has prepared a place for Allen.
§ We know that through the Old and New Testaments of our Bible, there’s a pervasive metaphor for God’s eternity; and it’s the metaphor of the celestial banquet. We know that Allen is feasting.
How do we honor the memory of this generous, hospitable, organized, funny, spontaneous person that we know as Allen Anderson, until the day we meet our her, our other loved ones, and, above all, the Lord, at the Feast? Love as Allen loves. Use the talents God has given you as Allen used hers. Show hospitality. Welcome people home.
May she rest in peace and rise in glory!
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